Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Fashion Guidelines for the Masses...

Is it just me, or do you walk around town shopping/running errands with this thought in your head…

Do people not use the mirrors that the store provides in dressing rooms? Or do they not use the mirrors that are SURELY installed in their houses to check out their choice in wardrobe before leaving said house?

It’s got to be one of the two problems…they’re either shopping at places that don’t provide mirrors in the dressing rooms, and they don’t have good enough friends to take along with them to tell them how they really look. Or they simply choose not to utilize the mirrors that must be in their house.

I mean, I get it. By some strange coincidence you might not have a mirror in your bedroom…but if you own (or even rent) your house there IS a mirror in most bathrooms. At least in most of the houses that I’ve been in…maybe I’m in the wrong neighborhood? Or maybe they do take a friend with them shopping, but the friends that they take with them aren’t really their friends and they are giving them bad fashion advice. Because they for sure are NOT telling these women how they really look!

I can understand when I see a dude on the street dressed oddly…and I know that I live in Austin, TX (weird capitol of the state!)…and I really don’t give a second thought to guys that are dressed funny. Most of them don’t have a sense of fashion or taste…and half of them are color blind to add another problem to their already full plate. But women?!?! Really?!?!?

I need to take some lessons from this lady about how to take pictures with my phone…I could provide you with laughs all day long. I mean, just yesterday when I went to lunch I saw a woman wearing something that a) went out of style 10 years ago and b) was about 4 sizes too small for her current weight.

And don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to say that I’m better than anyone else out there. I’ve made more than my share of fashion mistakes along the path of my 33 years…truly, I have. And I’m not always in the best shape that I could be…especially now with a bowling ball tucked up nice and neat under my shirt…but still I use common sense. I mean, even my very WORST fashion faux pas doesn’t hold a candle to some of the things that I’ve seen.

Here’s some tips for those that might be reading this and wondering if I’ve seen you out and about in Austin:

1) Spandex is NOT flattering. Unless you’re smaller than size 4. Seriously, take that rule to heart people. And just because you’re riding a bicycle around town does NOT mean that you HAVE to wear spandex.

2) Clothes that were in style when you were in high school are more than likely NOT appropriate to still be wearing to your 15 year reunion. Yes, fashion is cyclical and does come back around…but it takes at LEAST 20-30 years…and it’s not exactly the same…take bell bottoms for example. They came back as “boot cut” jeans…similar but different.

3) If you have to lay down or get outside help (for any reason other than you can’t reach the back zipper) to fasten/zip the pants/dress…it’s TOO tight. Buy a girdle or a larger size. Trust me on this…someone else will thank me.

4) Similar to Rule #3 - If you slip on a shirt/dress/pants and can actually look down and see the seams bulging or the T-shirt material looks wavy, then that means that the fabric is being stretched beyond a point where it’s supposed to be stretched. Once again, buy a larger size or try to stretch the one that you own out a little bit.

5) Also related to Rules #3 and #4 - If you wear the item of clothing all day (and it doesn’t bust by some miracle) and you remove the item that night and the red marks where it was cut into your skin are STILL THERE the next morning…you might need a larger size. I’m just saying. I get red marks too from some of pants right along the waistline…but they typically fade within the HOUR of removing the pants…they’re not still there the next day.

6) If you are over the age of 35…seriously consider shopping somewhere other than the juniors department…trust me, your teenager daughter WILL thank you one day. It might be sort of cool to “share” clothes with your daughter, but you need to keep in mind what your age should “allow” you to wear. And unless you have the body of a seriously hot movie star, this rule especially applies to shirts that show your belly.

7) If it rolls…it should NOT show. That one is simple and pretty self-explanatory.

I’m sure that I have more somewhere…I’ll have to think about this more…these just came to me after seeing that one woman at Sam’s. You know who you are…even if I wasn’t brave enough to try to snag a picture of you!

And please don’t hear me being all judgmental on people, I’m just trying to help. Really I am. And I’m not one of those people that think that now that you’re a Mom you have to dress a certain way…I’m seriously not. There are a lot of HOT Moms out there who can rock some seriously cool looks…including things that come from the junior department…but they’re usually the exception, not the rule. I hope to still be able to carry off some cool looks after having this second child…I’m crossing ALL fingers and toes that it will happen that way.

But if it doesn’t…and you happen to catch me on your phone camera wearing something that I shouldn’t be…PLEASE email me and let me know! I don’t want to walk around in ignorance. Email the pics to me here…I promise that I’ll take them to heart!

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